When I woke up this morning, turning to look at the alarm clock to check the time was enough to convince me that my eye sockets were lined with sandpaper. My throat was raw and I felt like I’d been run over by a fleet of dump trucks.

I thought to myself, what could I do to make today more miserable?

I started reading Twilight.

I know, I know. I just made a comment that made it sound like I’d never read it, or I’d already read it and hated it, but the truth is, that wasn’t exactly my intention. Maybe I just didn’t want to seem like the type of person who would read it, as weirdly condescending as that sounds, but really? I’ve just never been interested in vampires or badly written teen romance novels.

I’m about 40 pages in, maybe, and I really don’t want to even finish, but I do want to know why Edward is acting as though Bella stabbed him with a pencil. If I don’t find out soon, I might go crazy. Or give up.

Something else I want to know – why is it always being stabbed with a pencil that is the go-to light literature high school act of physical violence? When I was in high school, I was more concerned with being hit in the face with a Bible.

Or runaway tobacco spit.