There are changes afoot. (Afoot? In the works. There are changes in the works.) I was going to just take down the index page and be all “be right back!”, but “be right back” for me lately has been “be back in three weeks or a month,” so, let’s skip that.

As someone who has been in school for the last 17 years of my life, you’d think I’d be tired of talking about it. This will be the last time (until the next entry, when I promise not to talk about it again) I mention it, I promise. I am, officially, an English major again. I’m also seeking a secondary education certification which, at the moment, does not feel like a huge mistake.

Here, though, is the rub: I am a junior, total-credit-hours wise. Credit-hours related to my major wise, I am, uh, something quite less than that. Oh, the wasted time. It burns.

And that’s all I’ve got. Well, other than this poem I’ve been writing. For a couple weeks. You don’t want to hear about that.

Wait.

Okay, no. I guess I can think of something to write.

I find that when I mention something out loud (or in this case, on a blog), that I often jinx myself in some way. This time, I mention things with school going fine, and now school is officially kicking my ass. The end of the quarter is coming up and I am struggling like I’ve never struggled before.

Have I told the story about how it took me four years in high school to pass an Algebra II class? No? Well there’s that story. It took me four years in high school to pass an Algebra II class. Now I’m taking an Accounting class that for six hours a week makes me want to lay down in the parking lot and pray that the universe sends a snowplow. I’m just no good with numbers.

(Speaking of snow – it finally stopped falling. After I drove through that for a few hours.)

Also, blog, I’ve been cheating on you with tumblr. Sorry, kinda.

This morning I registered for my last quarter of classes as a business student. I could not be more happy that the end is in sight. This adventure in marketing and sales classes has been the most miserable school has ever made me, and trust me when I say school has made me plenty miserable (see leaving high school only to go back and leave again, then go to several different colleges and so on and so forth). But yes! I will be done. In June. Which isn’t so far away, is it?

Lie to me, okay?

And when I mentioned writing a transfer essay for a different college? Turns out I was worrying for nothing, because I didn’t even have to apply. I filled out the application, wrote the essay, filled it with apologetic “I’m sorry for dropping out of your very expensive institution”s, then got an e-mail telling me I was silly and to fill out the re-admission form and wait to be told to register for classes.

So, soon enough I’ll be back to writing papers and reading books I don’t like and have already read, and I will enjoy it this time, because I’ve seen the other options, and boy do I not like them.

PS: Thanks for the comments on the last post. I appreciate them.

PS (x2): I added a formspring box thingy over in the sidebar just in case anyone ever wants to ask me anything that’s not relevant to a post. Or tell me I’m a jerk. Or you know, whatever.

The only thing I have ever really wanted a degree in is English. In May, I’ll have a degree…in Business. I’ll be in debt, and I’ll have a degree that is both useless to me, and completely, depressingly unwanted. Since accidentally graduating high school a semester early, I’ve told myself I wouldn’t settle – but. This Business degree?

Um. Settling. And for awhile, I was okay with it. I’d let myself be convinced that I’d wasted enough money – and enough time (I mean, I’ve been in college almost five years now; that’s disgusting).

I tried this college once, and like I said – dropped out. And it’s not cheap. It’s even on the “wow, that’s a little expensive” side of not cheap. But it’s what I want. I’m just nervous because how many times are they going to let the same person in based on their fluke-y ACT scores (because there is no way I scored that high based on legitimate knowledge) instead of mediocre transcripts?

And how am I supposed to write a two page transfer essay when all I can think of to say is, “I’ve been in college for five years and would like something to be proud of,” and “I promise I am not as dumb as I seem”?

Before I get into it, I want to state how weird that is for me. Both parts of that first sentence. How weird it is to be at any sort of well-defined “crossroads,” for one thing, and for that to be about any one thing in particular. Until maybe, I don’t know, this most recent August, decisions were made spur-of-the-moment, and they were never made about one thing at a time. It was like tossing confetti in the air and grabbing a handful of it and just…going.

This is how I decided in one day to change my major and move five hours away from home to go to a different college. This is how I ended up where I am now, at this crossroads, realizing that where I am is exactly the opposite of where I want to be. It is precisely where I do not want to be and the decision is not becoming any easier – the answer is not becoming any clearer as the days go by, and I am not used to spending this much time in limbo over this kind of thing.

This is my life.

I have never felt so overwhelmed, to be perfectly honest here. I know I’ve used that phrase before – “I feel overwhelmed” – but boy, I had no idea. This “going back to school” thing? I don’t know about it. I don’t know how I feel about going to class and being taught things to worry about in an economics class (is it necessary to even be in a class about it to be scared about economics these days?), or how to sell someone something they don’t really want or need in a marketing class. I don’t know how I feel about feeling like I have no time for anything (even though, um, I do). It’s weird, and completely the opposite of nearly everything I’ve ever experienced.

— (insert approximately 20 hours here) —

I almost decided to give up on this entry. I stopped writing and went to class and did homework, and I was convinced that there was absolutely no point to those paragraphs up there. And there really isn’t. Who cares. Whatever.

Proof of how disoriented I’ve been lately: I got an e-mail last week about a reading last night (you know, books) at the library. That’s what I thought it said, anyway. So I went to the library and there was no reading. So I figured, maybe I read it wrong and the reading was, in fact, at the bookstore. Which makes sense because that’s where they usually are.

But no. I have no idea what wires got crossed in my head, or what alternate dimension I walked into, but okay. So I went home and took part in an argument about politics that made me want to chant “generation gap!” over and over.

This morning I sprayed myself in the face with Febreze.

Things will get back to what passes as normal soon, right?

Like, right now? I’ve gotta pee, but I can’t move.

We’ll see what happens.

I officially finished my spring quarter last night, by passing two finals in classes I’ve sucked at all quarter. I don’t know what this means other than I can go on my weekend trip without worrying about it very much. Tomorrow, sometime in the morning earlier than I really want to be on the road, I’m heading south to a writing conference, and I know how nerdy that sounds, but I’m serious. I look forward to this every year I go, because despite the fact that I hate where I live a lot sometimes, this state conference is killer, and some seriously talented writers show up and school me big time and it is fantastic.

I am working on a new design, because really, that’s all I have to offer in the way of this site most of the time, and I’ve been slacking. Everything’s pretty ugly, but oh well. I’d hoped to have it up tonight, but I’ve gotta find a duffel bag or a suitcase or something to throw some clothes and notebooks and a camera and a computer in.

And that’s where I’ve been. Making up excuses and covering my ass and trying not to think about school. Here are some highlights from recent livejournal entries:

- OMG where are my Moth cd’s? (found them)
- I went to church on Sunday.
- OMG where are my Verbena cd’s? (did not find them)
- I looked at my bank account online this morning, and apparently my debit card has suddenly started taking money out of my savings account instead of my checking, and now I am way overdrawn.
- I could barely move my mouth this morning.
- The internet and phone service have been out at my house for more than two days.
- My fall quarter schedule would leave time for me to work 8 hours a week and I have a not small car payment to make monthly.
- I can’t stop listening to Ben Harper.

And so on and so forth. I stopped listening to Ben Harper long enough to realize I couldn’t find the cd’s I wanted, found myself in a church for the second time in a year (and I could explain how bizarre that is, but that would take hours and hours and hours), lost a lot of money, had cotton mouth, and went without the internet for so long that I bought the first two seasons of Weird Science out of boredom.

I bet you’re glad I’m keeping the rest of the complaining to myself.

But today! I got an exciting letter. Yes, it was from a school, but here’s the thing -

It’s a school I don’t go to, welcoming me and informing me of their modified alcohol policies.

And this is only exciting because it provides one more piece of evidence to back up my claims that higher education administration is the opposite of with it.

I’m a little bitter about college right now, okay?